We Hold You In Our Hearts

KENNETH DAVID ATWOOD

May 2, 2008



A pencil portrait Jason drew of Kenny

Three years ago today our little baby Kenneth David was stillborn.  I don't know why but this year it has hit me hard.  How we would have loved to have raised this sweet little one.  I miss him!  I hang onto the few memories I have.  My pregnancy with him, every little kick I felt while he was inside me, seeing him move in ultrasound pictures,  holding his still little body for a few hours in the hospital before handing him over to the nurse.  I hope those images in my mind always stay as vivid, they are precious to me.

His pregnancy started pretty much like my other boys.  We were thrilled to be pregnant again and I was feeling pretty good despite running around after my 2 and 4 year old.  At about 5 months we went for a routine ultrasound and the tech noticed "cysts" in the baby's brain and perhaps something wrong with his spine.  I had lots of friends who had similar markers in their baby's brain and everything was fine so I wasn't overly concerned.  We went for a level II ultrasound.  After the ultrasound they took us to this little room so the doctor could talk to us - I was pretty sure this was not a good sign.  She told us that the spine looked fine but they had seen several markers of Trisomy 18.  The spots in the brain, a heart problem, and his little fingers were curled up into a fist.  I had no idea what Trisomy 18 meant so of course I asked - well what does it mean if the baby does have Trisomy 18.  Her reply - "it's fatal".  My heart sunk.  The next step was to get a definitive diagnosis.  She recommended that I have an amnio.  I was hesitant at first and set up the appointment with the intention of cancelling it.  After going home and talking to Jason and our families about it we felt like we needed to know what was happening with our baby.  A few days later I went for the amnio.  A couple days later I got a call from my baby doctor and she read the results to me over the phone.

Male fetus with Trisomy 18



I don't remember if I even cried at that point.  I think I was just numb.  Of course we were given the option to terminate the pregnancy - but that was never an option for us.  I always felt at peace with the decision that it was God's will what happened to our baby and that we would be able to handle it.  After hearing the baby was a boy we decided to name him after his grandfathers.  I researched Trisomy 18 on the internet and found that some baby's can live up to a year, but 80% die within the first week of life.

The next two months were probably the hardest of my life.  People asking when my baby was due.  My little boys excited for the baby to come.  I tried to explain to Ashton that the baby was very sick and would probably not live - but I don't know how much his little 4 year old self understood.  I sort of became a shut in.  It was just to hard to face people and answer those questions.  Jason was of course wonderful and just let me do what I needed to.  He quite often went to church without me and handled telling people what was going on.

One of the complications with the pregnancy was I had an enormous amount of amniotic fluid and at 32 weeks while sleeping my water broke.  I was scared as I felt the baby was going to just be too small to survive and more than anything I wanted our baby born alive.  We called in someone to watch the boys and headed to the hospital.  Of course because I was only 32 weeks my body was not ready to deliver so I needed to be induced to get labour started.  They checked the baby's heart beat and I was relieved they found it.  They didn't however keep monitoring the baby's heart beat during delivery.  At 3:30 p.m. that afternoon I delivered Kenneth.  I remember asking the doctor if he was alive and she answered "I don't think so hunny".

She placed him on my chest.  He was so little, only 2 pounds 14 ounces, and 14 inches long.  His appearance was dark - I assumed from perhaps a lack of oxygen during delivery.  But so beautiful.  Chubby cheeks and Jason's lips.  The doctor commented that the only outward sign he had of trisomy was the curled up little fingers.  We cried and spent as much time as we wanted with him.  The hospital staff were wonderful.  They put him in a little outfit and blanket, called him by name, and gave us a memory box to take home with his wrist bands, cards, poems, and the outfit and blanket we had put him in and his footprints.  I look at these items often and am so grateful to have them.

We spent a few hours with Kenny and when we were ready we handed him over to the nurse and left the hospital.  It was so hard to leave without him, but I think the hardest part was telling Ashton what had happened when we got home.  We told him his baby brother had been born, but his little heart was just to weak and he had died and gone back to live with Heavenly Father.  He cried and that about killed me.  Bowen was really too little to understand but we talk about Kenny often and he knows that he has a little brother in heaven that he will be able to see someday.

My dad and Jason made Kenny a beautiful casket, and mom helped Jason line it.  We buried Kenny in the Champion cemetary and had a little service for him at the graveside that our immediate family attended. 

Even though it has not been easy, I am so grateful I was chosen to be Kenneth's mother.  While I was pregnant with Kenny I prayed so hard that he would be able to be born alive.  How thankful I am that Heavenly Father knows me so well, because I know now how much more difficult it would have been to watch our little one die.  He looked so peaceful and I knew he had not suffered.  With difficult times come the most precious spiritual experiences and I know this experience has helped me grow closer to my husband, my children (all three of them), my family and most importantly my Savior.

WE HELD YOU IN OUR ARMS, NOW WE HOLD YOU IN OUR HEARTS